tomorrow is the day.
its the day that brings closure to the last 4 years of my families lives.
i’m scared.
yet relieved.
i’m scared for him. i’m not really upset for myself. i just cant even begin to imagine how he feels. tomorrow he loses all control over his life for how ever long they tell him. that would terrify me. and yes i’m still a little hurt by our conversation wednesday but i still love him. i cant fathom how he feels right now. i know he feels alone and hurt and scared. and that makes me hurt for him (i can empathize with people to an almost unhealthy level, hence why i’m still can’t watch movies where people die without crying for their loved ones)
i’m also relieved. i’m relieved because this will bring closure. it means we finally have a timeline on how long this will affect us. it means we can move on.
don’t get me wrong, i wouldnt change anything about the last 4 years. but let me say this, I’m so freaking excited its over. it has brought me where i am today. it has brought me to God. I couldn’t have survived without God and rest knowing that nothing will be that bad again. He has brought me the most amazing friends I’ve ever had who point me back to God everyday. I thank God for them everyday.
so as tomorrow approaches and the knots in my stomache get tighter i’m reminded of how much God loves me and how this is all bringing him glory. though I can’t see how and don’t understand why, it doesnt matter. its for him and thats good enough for me!
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4
(so tuesday when it hits the newspapers and people text, message, and call to tell me they’ve seen it and when everyone’s talking about it I will remember that the things they do and say to try and hurt us don’t matter. God loves me and has brought me out of this and He’s not gonna leave so the hurt doesn’t matter)
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you…And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” 1Peter 5:7, 10
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10
a.j.
